My family
by Qwenster
Summary: Dean feels alone and thinks about his family. It begins before the season 1 pilot and continues from there.
1. About Sam

Sam. My brother. He's great and I love him.

He's a big softie… puts his heart and soul into everything his touches. Even me.

Maybe he's the only reason I keep fighting. Because I look at him and I see a good man. He's strong, intelligent, caring. He had all the things I never got to have – at least for a while.

I'd wish I could be like him. So I fight on.


	2. About John

John. My father. I love him so much.

While I grew up, he was the only one who made me feel safe. All the hunting – I know it probably made me be a man when I was still meant to be a boy, but… he was there to take care of me.

Later, when I was old enough to understand, he gave me purpose. Most people don't know why they're alive, but I do. Dad taught me.


	3. Separated

When Sammy took off, John was all I had.

I was angry with Sam, of course. But how could I hate him for pursuing what he wanted? It wasn't his fault mom died. Why should he suffer for it? It was fair for at least one of us to get a good life, and I wasn't gonna be the one who destroyed his happiness.

For a long time John and I were alone. Hunting. We took down everything we came across – we were good.

It wasn't _happily ever after_… but it was enough.

I found comfort in having dad by my side.

I was loved.


	4. Alone

One day I woke up and dad was gone.

He'd talked about going on a hunting-trip alone the day before. "I don't need you for this one." That's what he said.

He didn't say goodbye.

I called him. One time… two times… ten times. After four days I was a wreck. I was worried for him, and barely ate or slept.

He was a good hunter. There was no real reason for me to be this scared. But I was. Because I was alone now.

I mean: Fuck, he had left me, hadn't he?

From that moment I knew. I knew that he didn't love me – not really. He didn't even need me. I was just a part of the job.

I realized that I _was_ alone. _All alone_. I had no one. Sam left me for a better life. John left because I wasn't helpful anymore.


	5. After 'The Pilot'

Somehow I convinced Sam to come with me, looking for dad.

Family ties, I suppose.

I can't help myself but wonder: Would Sam have joined me for a weekend road-trip if dad hadn't been missing? Would he even care?

We get two days together. Forty-eight hours. Two thousand eight hundred and eighty-eight minutes. One hundred seventy-two thousand and eight hundred seconds.

We were great together. The A-team. He even made me forget my loneliness.

At first I was able to keep my game-face up. But soon I remembered everything my mind had fought to repress the past few years. It was my job to look out for Sam.

He was my Sammy.

I damned near cried when he smacked the car of my black beauty and walked back to his house. Luckily, I was able to hold it off until he was out of sight.

I sat in the car for a couple of minutes, feeling miserable.

My life was meaningless. Sure, I could get out and look for John, but even if I found him, nothing would've changed. He left once, he could do it again.

I got out of the car, hesitantly making my way to the door. I was _totalled_; broken beyond reparability.

With a deep breath I decided to go in there and tell him the truth about me; about my loneliness, and my need to have a brother.


	6. Am I a bad person?

Am I a bad person?

Jessica was torched by the demon. Once again, I had to rescue Sam from the greedy flames.

It was horrible. I was sad after having known Jess for less than ten minutes. I can't even begin to imagine the darkness that Sam went through.

But in that darkness I saw light.

The first time the demon set our house on fire, it destroyed our family. The second time, it put the scattered pieces back together.

Sam realized that he wasn't meant to have a normal life. He was a freak like me.

Sam still didn't love me; he was only after revenge. Just like dad. But he got on the road, began hunting with me.

We were brothers again.


	7. About Sam 2

Sam isn't perfect.

He's so busy being a hero, so busy saving everybody else; caring for the strangers we aid, that he doesn't notice me.

Maybe he's too close to see?

See that I'm screaming for help.


	8. What I need

It's so fucking hard to stay tough. Sam knows me better than I'd like, and sometimes he peels off my skin, my flesh, my bones…

Looks at me with those big fluffy puppy eyes, almost as if he's asking me to hug him and cry at his shoulder.

He doesn't get it.

Why? A hug? What good would that do? No more than a night with one of those girls who I'm able to charm the pants off. It provides comfort, safety – for a short while.

It's not love and it doesn't make anything better.

What I want…

What I _need_… is to be needed.

I want him to be like I am: Alone. I want him to need me, as I need him.

But his happiness comes before mine.

I could never ask him to be miserable.


	9. The difference

The big difference between me and Sam is easy. He wants answers. Answers to everything. I don't.

"Why did the demon kill mom?"

Because it's a demon – it's what demons do. What more do you need to know?

If he knew how I felt about him, he'd probably psycho analyze me… just one more reason to keep it to myself, I suppose.


	10. After 'Scarecrow'

I knew it – I fucking knew he had it in him.

He left me. Sam packed up and walked away…

Just like dad.

No, even worse; he did it _for_ dad. That's where his loyalty truly lies. Not with me.

But he came back and he saved my sorry ass... my life. I can't count the number of times, I've wasted some scum, who was about to end Sam's days. It has always been my job to protect him.

Now he had his turn.

It didn't heal the wound of his betrayal, though. Blood is still dripping.

If Sam can't heal it, no one can.


	11. Hate and love

Sometimes I hate Sam for having the good life; for being the lucky one of us. Dad's favourite. The braver one, the saner one… the better one, altogether.

Every once in a while it becomes too much. And I hate him so much that I want to smack him down. Not just in a playful way, not just a punch.

I want to _hurt_ him.

_Really_ hurt him.

_Badly_.

Maybe it'd make him see more clearly? Maybe that way he'd understand how I feel.

But I fucking love Sam.

I'll always love my Sammy.


	12. After 'Faith'

The doctor told me that I was dying.

Useless news, really. I've been a dying man since I became a hunter – you get unlucky sooner of later. It comes with the job.

It got Sam's attention, though.

The human mortality is funny thing. It changes people.

Sam was terrified. He didn't sleep for three days while searching every resource he had, for a way out; a loop hole. For a way to prove his love to me.

And he did. He loved me enough to save my life.

But if that's true, then tell me why I'm not happy.

Is it because my life came at the cost of someone else's? Is it because deep down, I feel that Roy wasn't doing a wrong thing? Is it because Layla wasn't saved?

No.

Sam called John. He called and told him that I was dying.

Such a message should've provoked some sort of a reaction.

Not with this guy… dad didn't show up, he didn't try to help, he didn't even call.

We've been hunting together for so many years… I've been a good son, done everything he asked of me.

A couple of weeks ago he sent us on a random hunt across the country, but now, when I really needed him, he couldn't find the time to do something for his dying son.

Thanks a lot dad. Thanks for nothing.


End file.
